In the vernacular of the day, I am triggered. As a proud, card-carrying member of the marginalized society of decaf drinkers, I get triggered by the non-diversity, non-inclusivity and inequity of it all every time I enter a coffee shop or grocery store.
I love coffee. The taste, the aroma, the ritual, the look, the feel, all of it. Hearing the whirr of the machine in the morning ensures me I woke up on the right side of the dirt - hence, it’s gonna be a great day. I go about my morning ablutions with the anticipation of a kid putting in time on Christmas morning waiting for the parents to wake up. I can smell happiness from the furthest reaches of the house and I know my excitement will not be dulled one whit with the waiting.
At just the right time, into just the right cup, I pour liquid heaven. I watch the artificial fluorescent light dancing off the stream and imagine the prisms of colour that must be there somewhere. The rich, dark nectar of the gods starts to settle quietly for just a nano-moment before the thin trickle of heavy cream eddies the current. I stand mesmorized by the abstractness of it all and liken it to life in general when grand events are interrupted by synchronistic additions.
That first sniff becomes a deep and penetrating inhalation of the cosmos, satisfying and yet not, just making me want more. And so I sip. Ahhh, nirvana! God’s in his heaven, coffee’s in my cup, all’s right with the world.
Yup, I love coffee. I just don’t want the caffeine that comes with it. With me it’s a mood altering substance and I turn into a blithering idiot after one cup (yes, I’m a cheap date). My tongue seems to take on a life of its own. Shut up? Me? Won’t happen whilst imbibing a high octane drink. The shakes and jitters become a total body experience where spastic puppets on elastic strings have nothing on how I can bop and jive.
Some people can use mushrooms to take an astral travel, some use ayahuasca or peyote. Some people use marijuana as a stimulant and mind clarifier. Some people use meth to....whatever the reason they use meth. Me? I have a cup of coffee and the whole world changes, I leave my body and go tearing around the galaxy like a scalded cat.
Being a long-distance runner, I use the gels and bars as nutrition quite regularly. I have an assortment of flavours and types - and caffeine levels. When I drank normal coffee regularly, these caffeine boosts didn’t do a thing. Having changed to decaf, even something so slight as 50 mg of caffeine in one gel will give me the kick I need when I need it. Being able to channel my shakes and jitters and excess energy into running helps to turn the sideshow freeq into a smoothly operating machine. A well-oiled smoothly operating machine at that. (or so I like to think)
But life is not easy for us decaffers. Most coffee shops or restaurants don’t have a decaf pot brewed of the house blend. Of the ones that even offer such a thing, there is a wait time which is dependent on how busy they are and whether they remember they were doing it. I get to wait til they have time to make it, brew it, remember that I’m waiting for it and then have time to make the special trip with the different pot. I’m very seldom, if ever, included in the pot-go-round that most restaurants do.
One place does pour-overs which guarantees me a cold cup of coffee because they keep forgetting between pours. I have watched them take almost 15 minutes to make me a cup of decaf.
Most places do have decaf espresso beans so I can order an Americano - at twice the price of a house blend. (price gouging?) The problem here is that sometimes they don’t read the label, or they’re in a hurry and forget, and I end up with a cup of high octane. Halfway through I can already tell the difference but by then I’m long gone and not able to remedy the situation.
Buying decaf coffee in grocery stores has become a scavenger hunt. There are stores in my neighbourhood that just don’t carry decaf anything. At all. Two stores that carry decaf regularly have only the cheap, discount store brand that makes cheap, discount tasting swill. I swear there were floor sweepings in that can!
The few stores that carry some choice of decafs have priced them $1-3 more than normal coffee. My question is: if an ingredient is missing, why is the price not lower? Isn’t that why filled balloons are more expensive than un-blownup ones? Because there’s now air inside? I think regular coffee should be more expensive than decaf because of the caffeine being added.
You can see my dilemma. Decent coffee is not diverse enough. Decaffers are not being included in normal life. The price differences are not equitable. I finally faced the fact - I am being marginalized, I am an oppressed person. My DEI is not being satisfied and my rights are being trampled. I am triggered and have applied for disability in light of the PTSD that has resulted from my unfair treatment.
I’m thinking of taking this to the highest level of government and demanding my equal rights as a coffee drinker. I deserve to get decaf where and when I want it for the same price as caffeinated coffee. There must be a clause in the Constitution or Bill of Rights about this! I have already opened a file with the Human Rights Commission and will hold their feet to the fire until I get satisfaction.
Since this could be categorized as a coffee dysphoria, don’t I deserve my personal ideology to be recognized as well? I should be able to demand to be pandered to, get preferential treatment at coffee shops and have that building over there renamed in my honour. I will change my title to Dc. (decaf) and insist on everyone using it to the point of calling for their arrest and incarceration if they don’t.
Hell, I might even demand my own month of celebration and my own colour on the flag. I’m thinking February and a rich mocha java brown with cream swirls.
A Jungian analyst once said to me, "You are unique, not special." A thought many peolpe should take seriously.
I’ve never had coffee, I don’t like the taste. Maybe it has to do with watching my mom rolling up drinking a cup of coffee along with smoking a disgusting cigarette. The cigarette turned me off to the coffee. Lol! But I do absolutely love the smell of fresh brew coffee in the morning! And I love coffee flavored ice cream and a few other desserts.